Suicide note of a 22 year old...

To whom it may concern...

This is to notify you...nah! Sounds too corny... I am dead by the time you're reading this (or may be no, if some moron tried to save me...thwarting thus, the courageous attempt to sacrifice my life)... But if I'm indeed ' no more', I wonder if it was brave of me to kill myself or an act of supreme cowardice, height of escapism?

The sole purpose of writing this letter is to inform everyone that no one is responsible for my death... It was a well-thought of, planned act... And I was the sole perpetrator, egged on by circumstances, nothing else... So, if someone has to be punished, accused or held responsible for my sudden, untimely, premature etc, etc, demise...it's the Fate Sisters...ha!ha! try getting them into a Court of Law...

The question my beloved parents and loved ones are wondering is, why did I do this? What pushed me to take this extreme step... Depression, feeling of failure, loneliness, bankruptcy, heartbreak?... Probable answers but not the right one to solve the mystery of my death... I'm sure all of the above have influenced my life but not my death...

What if I was to say that I got fed up with life? Life was just not enough... Or life was just not worth it... I wanted to achieve a state of transcendence... I wanted to break away from this life in order to seek a better one... A life which poets dream of, spiritualists meditate on, philosphers preach about... A life that would cease to be a figment of my imagination... A life which would come out from the dark recesses of my mind and become a reality...

I want to tell my parents that I love them dearly and that they should take care of themselves and should never blame themselves for my death...

And now, I'm sure you're wondering whether I achieved the life that I desired? Or at least how is the state that I'm in right now?... Well, to know that you will have to join me in the heavenly abode or fiery pit... And we can live our life together...

p.s.- Psst... I'm watching you...

Raindrops on thorns...

So how does the rain falling on the the Qutab look? Beautiful I'm sure...
I'm sitting locked up in the four walls of a routined, mundane existence...
We try to forget the beauties that lie outside while we trudge rather mechanically on our ways...And pretend that the rain doesn't exist... And while we negate the beauties that lie outside, we diminish our souls that lie within...

After a blistering Summer, comes the rain to soothe the parched land of its arid woes. So, too does a new love, to allay the doubts in a pessimist who has lost the power to believe...

So how does the rain falling on the Qutab look? For you still have eyes to see... I have no sight, no appreciation of the myriad beauties that surround me... I have just fears... Fears that keep me alive, the fears that kill me everyday... Good sense and rationality are old companions now... Fear is the monarch of all that it surveys in the mind and heart. Undisputed, it thwarts all positive feelings and conquers happiness. It's sucking out my life from me.

I'm a lifeless body, as I lie in bed. Writhing in pleasure, wincing in pain. But still I'm lifeless. Like a whore who feels casual pleasure but feels no love. A transaction, signed, sealed and delivered.

She sees no love and feels even less...
You move in and out, you don't know what you do...
Sometimes, I'm uncertain...
Sometimes, I imagine it's not even you...

You ask me why I cry,
I know not why I do...
It's just the pain that I feel inside,
The pain of being with you.

Of fairy tales, heartbreaks and tears...

A life full of roses and cotton candy...
A life full of romance and cartwheels in the stomach...
A life with a Prince and a Princess...

Nah! Life's nothing like it.

Life's a race to fight extinction, fear competition, battle from getting 'jaded'... I don't write well and I never will... 'Cause I can't express myself and what I feel... May be because I feel too much and too many things and those exceed my calibre of writing.

Dreams in my eyes, perfumed dreams of things I wish would happen... In all this I lose sight of my goals. I'm too caught up in emotions. Must try to let go of you, myself and my life. Detachment is difficult 'cause I have a constant need to feel needed, wanted, pampered...to belong... Pathetic!

Lost all self-esteem, ego, pride...
I'm but a shadow of my former self.
Life's come a full circle...
Heartbreaks, tears, callous behaviour, selfish words and even more selfish deeds...all come back to haunt me... And I think that life's not a fairy tale and there are no 'happily ever afters.'

A Prince and his Princess, a world full of light,
A thunder, a lightning, dream breaks,
Darkness.
A feeling of feeling jaded,
The need to belong.
The mind in a box while the heart resides in a song.
To dream was so blissful,
Reality bites.
It leaves its scars, gashes, bruises...
To let go is tough, but a thing I must do.
For we have no future, me and you.
Off on our separate paths, the mind urges to go...
But the heart is weak, weeps score by score.
Making meaning of this, is but in vain.
'Cause words have no meaning when written in pain.
My life's a tale that I, an idiot, told
Tell me if you like it, I will explain the pain treblefold.
Fairy tales and love stories are things of the past,
Lies, betrayal and one-night stands are all we're left of.
One word, one touch, a kiss and a dance,
Are illusory machinations of a deceitful heart.